


Santa the Spook

by myrthrilmercury



Category: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Genre: Christmas, Conspiracy Theories, Gen, Movie Reference, Secret Santa, Visiting Santa Claus
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-25
Updated: 2016-12-25
Packaged: 2018-09-11 23:18:33
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 763
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9040541
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/myrthrilmercury/pseuds/myrthrilmercury
Summary: Joel takes Tom and Crow to visit Santa at the mall. It doesn't exactly go well.Done for the 2016 MST3K Secret Santa exchange.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Done for the 2016 MST3K Secret Santa. The prompt I received was for a funny/family story, "the more lighthearted, the better."

The lit Christmas trees, giant plastic candy canes, and fake presents looked perfectly normal, but the giant inflatable elves and penguins were a bit much. Joel didn’t remember the North Pole display at the mall looking so gaudy when he was kid.

For that matter, what _did_ penguins have to do with Santa? They were on the wrong pole. It wasn’t even the same continent. Then again, maybe the folks who set up the display might have run into copyright issues if they used polar bears, even if they weren’t wearing scarves or holding distinctively-shaped bottles.

At least they could make a reservation in advance so he and the ‘bots weren’t in line for Santa for hours on end. The last place Joel wanted to be during the Christmas season was anywhere near a mall. Once their number was called, Joel gently nudged Crow over to the guy in the Santa suit sitting on the giant throne (which was not made of lies as far as he knew, but he wondered if the mall had done a thorough background check on the guy). 

The mall Santa gently pulled Crow onto his lap. “So, what do you want for Christmas?”

“I wanna decide who lives and who dies!” was Crow’s immediate reply.

Joel sighed. It was gonna be one of _those_ days.

Santa stared at Crow quizzically. “Yes, well, that’s not something I can really _give_ you…”

“Okay then, how about one of those devices you use to keep track of who’s naughty or nice? I mean, you’ve got the house bugged, right?”

“Excuse me?” Santa asked in gobsmacked confusion.

“You see me when I’m sleeping, right?”

“Well, yes.”

“Yeah, that’s totally creepy. And you know when I’m awake?”

“Y-yes,” Santa replied in a hesitant tone.

“And you know if I’ve been bad or good?”

“Of course I do. I’m always watching.”

“So, are you with the CIA or the NSA?”

“I…don’t understand. So, um…anything else you want?”

“A Toblerone bar.”

“Done.” 

Joel took the opportunity to butt in. “Crow, I think Tom wants to take his turn now.” With that, he picked up Tom and carried him over to the mall Santa.

“Here.” Joel handed Tom over to Santa, who held him while Joel helped Crow off of Santa’s lap while whispering something about manners to Crow.

“So, what do you want for Christmas?” Santa asked Tom.

“You got any Hatchimals up at the North Pole, or are you on backorder?”

Joel heaved a sigh of relief. At least Tom wanted something normal.

“We have plenty. My elves can make any one you want.”

“Your ‘elves?’ Don’t you mean your slaves?”

Joel facepalmed. He had felt relieved far too soon.

“I mean, I saw the movie. They’re all up there working constantly on toys singing godawful songs and you don’t pay them. Ever gotten a visit from OSHA, big man?”

“Th-They’re not my slaves,” Santa stammered. “We all have a great time. Mrs. Claus bakes us cookies—"

“Down with the patriarchy!” Crow shouted, raising his fist in the air.

“Crow, please,” Joel muttered in exasperation.

One more thing. Are your reindeer free-range, or do you shut them up in stables?”

“They only go into the stables when it’s time for bed. Otherwise, they play reindeer games outside all day.”

“Oh, that’s go—” Tom paused as a thought occurred to him. “Wait, reindeer games? Are they robbing casinos?”

Joel figured now was as good of any of a time to interrupt. “Tom, is that everything? How about you and Crow take your pictures now and—”

“I just realized something!” Crow cried in utter astonishment. “Santa is spelled S-A-N-T-A! You know what letters you get if you take out the last two?! S-A-N! If you rearrange them, you get N-S-A!” 

“Crow—”

“WAKE UP, SHEEPLE!” Crow screamed at the top of his lungs as he waved his arms frantically.

“Boys.” Even when he reached the end of his rope, Joel’s voice was still abnormally calm. “Here are your photo cards and your candy canes. Now let’s get our pictures and give the other kids their turn.”  
***  
Mike sat on the other side of the kitchen table from Joel as they both rifled through the pictures that Joel had brought home. While he was happy there were more than enough to send to all their relatives, there was one question on his mind.

“Why did you spring for the super deluxe package?” he asked Joel.

Joel sighed as he took another swig of heavily-spiked eggnog before setting the mug back down on the table. “Guilt.”


End file.
